Know Your Child's Style

 EPISODE 146 SEASON 4 |

Children can be a source of amazement and marvel. Have you ever looked at your child and wondered, why are you acting like that? Whether positive or negative, children’s reactions to events or tasks can vary dramatically from our own or our partners’. These personality differences are what make each of us wonderfully unique. With the uniqueness our children’s personalities, wouldn’t it be great to have some baseline of understanding why one child acts completely differently in one scenario versus the other? On today’s podcast, Janna and her guest, Mendy Ingiaimo, discuss Mendy’s personality test, Destiny Assessment. Learn what fun animal might best fit your child’s personality and what details will help you understand and knowing the best way to work with them.

ABOUT OUR GUEST | Mendy Ingiaimo: Believes in unique education for every student. Former teacher, administrator, and corporate training manager. Founded schools, book author, developed curricula, and now empowers homeschool moms through Homeschool Moms Academy for tailored, effective learning. Get a free digital profile book here.

https://www.drmendyingiaimo.com/ 

https://www.drmendyingiaimo.com/destiny-assessment-optin

Janna  00:00 Welcome to Homeschool Your Way. I'm your host Janna Koch and BookSharks Community Manager. Today I am joined by Mendy Ingiaimo. She believes in unique education for every student, as a former teacher, administrator, corporate training manager, founder of schools, book author, and developer of some curricula. She now empowers homeschool moms through Homeschool Moms Academy for tailored, effective learning. Our topic today is going to be about understanding your child's unique personality, and how that can help you parent in a very unique way, but also help your homeschool. And maybe you'll get some answers as to why you buttheads with that certain child of yours. Mendy, thank you so much for being here. 

Mendy  00:46 Thank you. It's so exciting. And this is actually one of my favorite things to talk about. So I'm just so thrilled and grateful to be here. And to talk about this today. 

Janna  00:58 I feel like there are so many different avenues these days to figure out personalities, we have numbers, we have colors, we have acronyms, and it can kind of get a little overwhelming. I keep hearing this term about decision fatigue. As a parent, there's so much going on. If you add homeschooling on top of that, the last thing I feel like I want to do is read another book about another thing about my kid. But you and I both know that understanding a child's personality. What motivates them, and how they work together in the family and independently can really enhance not only your family dynamic but also their homeschool journey. But before we get into any of that, I would just love for you to kind of tell our listeners where your journey has taken you to get to this point.

 Mendy  01:50 Yeah, absolutely. You know, so when so I have five children of my own. And when I was raising my children, I did homeschool, but when I was raising my children, I was also working as a teacher, I had come across this journey of finding all these personality assessments, but none of them actually fit my child, like they were for the month. But I didn't find anything really just like focused on children. And so that's where this need to develop this assessment came in, which really just focuses on children. So I just want to talk a little bit about how I've kind of studied many, many personality assessments, you name it, I've probably looked at it. And I didn't do all the colors and numbers and this and that. And really boiled it down to just basic 4 personality types that kind of hit on certain types of individuals in their learning style. So I'm so happy to talk about those because I probably had each of those as a child. 

So the first one is the lion. This is what I named the leader personality. This is the person who's dominant, they're analytical, they're visionary, they're energetic, they're consistent. They're constantly expressing themselves and thinking outside the box. So they might be the one that is taking charge of your family. They're outgoing, and they're super confident about their abilities, they have no problem telling you what they are thinking. So they're very self-assured. And they take on challenges. So if you have a child who's like bold, and they may even launch their own initiatives, they typically end up like corporate CEOs, or they are very fearless. I actually had one of these children, you know, and I was constantly on guard because this child was so fearless. I never knew what he was gonna do next. And so, and they're also tenacious, and like I say they also become entrepreneurs. So the lion-dominant personality is a fun one. But as a mom, it might be a little bit challenging for you. And we'll talk about maybe some scenarios and a little bit about how mom and a lion can interact. But I want to go on and explain the rest of the personalities first. 

So I have to tell you one story about my lion. I got a phone call one day and she said hello. And I said yes. And this is so and so's teacher. I was like, okay, she's like, Could you come in for a conference? I was like, Yeah, sure. So I go in for the conference, and we're talking and she says, Well, you know, she's a really great child, but the only problem is she wants to take over my classroom. And this was a kindergartener, and I was like, Oh my goodness. So that's the child who constantly wants to be in charge and take over so you might feel like you are just like battling that. So we'll talk about that maybe in a minute. 

So the second personality type that I kind of talked about is the horse. This is what I've labeled it. When I think about a horse, it's like, you know, I thought about the circus, and they're flamboyant. And they do all these tricks. These are children or adults who have this flamboyant personality. And actually, I'm a horse because they turn out to be like teachers, or nurses, or salesmen like they have this great personality who just loves everybody and loves life. And they're focused on this personality, even though like they like tend to talk all the time. They are focused, they're very energetic. They're consistent and expressive. So you see how I'm talking with my hands all the time. They're super expressive. And they're very outgoing. So everyone's their friend that can talk to anybody about anything. And they can talk for a long, long time. So that's one of the challenges with the horses, and they usually have a great vision. And they're very optimistic, the life of the party if you've ever seen an individual that you love being in the room with they are most likely a horse.

If you're raising a teenager, that's a horse, you know, a really great job for them is waiting tables, they'll probably make really big tips because the individuals will actually love them because of their dynamic personality. And they're usually very goal-oriented, confident, warm, friendly, expressive, strong, and colorful. I love this personality, obviously, because that's what I am. So I tend to gravitate towards horses because they're just flamboyant, like me. But their overview in life is really to like, just such a positive attitude, like everything's coming up roses, so it's definitely a cup full personality. So it's a fun personality. If you have a child who's a horse, probably if you go to team sports, or whatever, everybody's gonna love your child, because they're so outgoing, warm, and just love everybody. And so that's still fun. I actually have one of those as my children too. And she's an adult now. And her husband says, yeah, when she walks in the room, like everybody just she goes to the gym, and she has her own little clan of people who just gravitate towards her, just because that's her personality. So it's so much fun. 

And then the third personality I want to talk about that I kind of put a name to is an elephant and I went with animals simply because children relate to animals and kind of put some characteristics around one of those. So this one is an elephant. So the elephant is very wise. They're very logical, and systematic. They're very conscientious. They're quiet, but yet, they're the person that you can talk to, that doesn't make any judgments on you. They're detail-oriented. And usually, they are perfectionists. And I've had some of these children in my classroom before, these are the ones who want to make sure that everything is perfect. And this can be somewhat of a hard personality to deal with. This is the child who's trying to make the perfect letter and then falls down the floor. And I can't do it perfectly, right? So that child can also be very challenging. So understanding how to deal with the perfectionist piece of this and being super detail-oriented is super important. As a mom, just understanding this is what's driving them internally, but they have these super great gifts for solving problems. Um, you know, one of the biggest initiatives in education right now is problem-based learning. And we actually use it in medical schools nowadays, there's problem-based learning would give you the case of what the patient might have, and then you solve it based on the problem. And a lot of these elephants turn out to be doctors. Obviously, you would want a perfectionist as a surgeon right working on you, not me as a horse, because I am not that detail-oriented but you definitely would want your elephant to be perfectionist detail-oriented. If they are slicing you open to do something. So that is actually the elephant has that personality. They're problem-based. They love to figure it out and they're perfectionists so we see a lot of individuals in the medical field with this particular type of personality. And I have one of these children too. One day I was you know me I am. So it's all about, getting it done. Like, let's go on with life and be happy. Right? So I have one day, my four-year-old son came into the room and he was like, What are you doing, I'm just like folding the laundry, right? I'm just like folding it up and we're folding up. And he came and he like took that shirt out a four-year-old now spread it all out one arm over, like I, myself had never folded a shirt so perfectly in my entire life. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like I realized that there is a personality out there that is super detail-oriented and can do amazing things. So that was so fun. And I learned so many things just from that particular child being so detail-oriented. 

And my last one is the Lamb. I didn't have any lambs as children. But they are super friendly. These are the type of individuals I love as my best friends. And they're usually very friendly, and very loyal, they're calm, they're predictable. They usually love to be super helpful, and they always have a listening ear for you.

So I say Mother Teresa is your perfect lamb. They also have this strong empathy and desire to help other people. They're the individuals who are going to save the world, feed the hungry, save, and help everyone have a better life. They love harmony. If you have a lamb in your household, you are so lucky, because the lamb is the one who can bring harmony in a contentious situation like whatever they just want everyone to get along. So they come and try to help everyone figure out surveys just going along in harmony, they don't like conflict. So they're constantly helping each other find their best place in them. They love a quiet space to work. And also I find that this particular personality is super creative. Usually, they're very artistic. They love Fine Arts, they love any type of photography, and they have somewhat of a detail, especially if they have an elephant working with the lamb within them. They really can do such an amazing job as a freelance artist, social workers, like anybody who just I had a lady one time and she worked for me, and she was a lamb. And she just thought so differently. Like I saw the world differently from her saying, Well, what about what does the actual student think? So coming from that empathetic perspective is such a gift to the world. And so it's such a beautiful personality. 

But I do want to say that, you know, I have done this test Destiny assessment hundreds of times. And I've never seen anybody come up 100% Lion, or 100% Lamb, or 100% horse like there's always some kind of mixture in there. Now I have given it several times, and I've seen like three personalities and not four like I've seen a very strong lion with some elephant, a teeny tiny bit of horse, and no lamb. So there are always mixtures and every level. And I think that's what makes us unique creations, which again, is part of just what I believe is that every child is so unique. You know, I taught school for years, I was a principal and I never saw two children the same. And so just trying to understand what's going on in there. And then tailoring their environment, their home environment, their learning environment to bring out those crafts, those skills, those personality, things that are driving them is so important to helping them feel successful. So it's just a little bit about the personality types. And I just absolutely have loved developing this.

 Janna  14:26 I love hearing about what you have developed and thinking about my own own children as you're describing each of the personalities. And knowing that, you know, I have children that are a compilation of different personalities. And what I think sometimes as a parent, especially a homeschool parent, when we feel like we're responsible for so many things about our children and our family, our finances, what we're going to eat for dinner every single night of the year. And you think about you know, you have the as children, and sometimes you just need them to do what they need to do, you don't have, you know, you're talking about individualized learning in the home environment. And I think I immediately get overwhelmed. I'm like, I just don't have the time or the energy to put into figuring out what little Susie needs when I've got, you know, a lion in Jimmy, and Jimmy really is taking over and I'm trying to back him down and pull her up. And so I think the first step is just understanding that we all have a different personality. And it doesn't mean we have to drop everything that we're doing and recreate the wheel. It just means awareness is the biggest hurdle I think that I have found in parenting, and knowing that I have a perfectionist, and I am a perfectionist in totally different ways, right? And so that's the other thing about like, you have like a certain personality type, but then you have life experiences that have molded or shaved away parts of the personality because you have maturity and all of these things. And so my perfectionism is totally different from my daughter's, but taking this assessment for a child and knowing like, okay, she's a perfectionist, so I can't tell her, okay, just get it done. It doesn't matter how it looks, that's not going to work for her. And that's why there probably is a breakdown. And now I'm frustrated. And now we're late to the next thing. But understanding this, I can then no, okay, she needs at least this amount of time, or a timer set that when the timer goes off, she can come back to it, but we have to be done by then. 

I mean, there are just so many ways that this can enhance the homeschool journey for parents to really mitigate some behavioral issues. Because we are taking the time to understand why that child is behaving that way. I didn't behave that way I couldn't care less if my letters weren't perfect. It's like I did the word. Let's move on. 

Mendy 17:01 Right? It's so true. And you know, I had one of those perfectionist elephants very detail-oriented. I was amazed at how long she would sit at the table and just be satisfied and do her work and would sit there for hours and just work on this trait of being perfect. Like it was amazing to me. So we, as we think about like what's going on inside of them, it helps us realize, like, what do they need, just like you said, she needed that time just to sit there to make it perfect in her mind to do the details in her mind. But you're right, I had to set the timer because we had to move on at some point in time. She is in the medical field and is very detail-oriented nowadays. She's a cardiac perfusionist. And she actually like runs the machines, when you take the heart out to do heart surgery. So yes, you know what she needed those skills, and understanding that and trying to facilitate that was so important.

Janna 18:10  So I thought that about the time, I think about the time that I've been really frustrated by my children's personalities because A) maybe I didn't build enough cushion or margin into my day. And so when I ran up against these things that they just dug their heels in and they were like, firstly, you know, it's not done right or, or I needed more time to prepare for this next adventure that you're throwing at me because I have one that just really would prefer not to be adventurous at all. And that does not work for me, I am adventurous and I want to live life and I want to do everything I can and I want to squeeze everything out of every minute. And I'm married to a personality that just doesn't work for him. And so I think that another part of understanding our children's personalities, our own personalities, our spouse's personalities, is knowing that there is like, Give and take. So when I have my daughter I noticed that she was like a perfectionist and I'm and I kind of remember her teachers sending stuff home when she was before she was homeschooling saying, you know, she doesn't get it done because it's not perfect. So then it's like, okay, but life is sometimes you have to get it done. And there is no perfect in this life. So it's it's taking their gifts, but also molding it to say you're gonna have to be okay with, with it being 99% Sometimes, you know, and with the unadventurous child, it's like, we have got to find out a system because I can't leave you at home when I want to go do all the adventures and I do feel like it's going to enhance your life. Even with my husband to this day, I'm like, I know you don't want to do it. I'm starting to count down to six months. I'm gonna keep giving you the details because I need you to get comfortable before we actually take the journey. And it's like, but it's knowing those little things because otherwise, we get so frustrated because people aren't like us. And I think it kind of is magnified in homeschooling, because not only did the parent have this responsibility, but we almost always put this undue burden of proving it to the world. So now if I can't get my five-year-old to have good penmanship, somehow I've made the wrong decision. And I'm a horrible homeschool parent.  

Mendy 20:28 Yeah. Yeah, that's so true. And what you're talking about is just really such an important life skill overall.  I love how you talk about it, my husband is not like me at all, either. He is a lion perfectionist. And so he runs his own business, and he has that detail-oriented. So we are coming, I'm like you, I'm the adventurer, like get out of my way. I don't want to think about details. So it is such a life learning. So the more we can help our children understand that, like, all around us, are different personalities. So even educating our children on okay, you may be a lion-elephant for the majority, but I am a horse-lamb. So how are we going to get along having those conversations, realizing here are the characteristics that turn me on and make me happy. But here's what drives your boat. Okay, so now we know that but now we've got to come together and partner and make this family work. And, boy, it can be really challenging, right? So and you're right, the value the worth, that we feel ourselves as a homeschool mom sometimes really is that it's driven by making it all work and so that they find their success or their happiness.

Mendy 25:30 You know, that is such a great point. Because I will have to say, you know, I work with homeschool moms trying to help them develop curriculum for their children to find the best style of learning that fits for them. And I have to say, that's like one of the biggest challenges for moms is, there is this clashing, this butting of heads where you're, I want you to do it. But you know what, that child does intuitively somehow know what works best for them, and they can find their way. So it's hard to do that as a mom, though, because you've got all these responsibilities, all these things going on, you've got to manipulate and manage and control you feel like, but it is such a gift that something I try to help moms do is really just relax, try to let them drive some of the learning processes. I think there's a balance there, obviously, but allowing them to really find and determine who they are. So it's, it's a, it's an amazing adventure to watch. That's for sure.

Janna 26:36 It's definitely a journey. And now going into eight years of being, I now see myself more as a facilitator of their learning, than the teacher or the instructor of their learning. And one of the things that I like to tell my kids regardless if it's education, or life or chores, I'm gonna let you do it your way. And if your way doesn't work, then we're going to do it my way. That way, and it works for me, I would prefer you to do it my way because I know the guaranteed outcome. But I'm I'm gonna go ahead and take a backseat and give you this opportunity. And then my family will tell you I will they say it I'm a No at all. I actually have a T-shirt that says I may be wrong, but I doubt it. And they hate it when I wear it. And I'm like, It's not my fault that I'm usually not wrong. But don't be haters. Um, but it's really then for my personality, to not come in and bulldoze and be like, See, I told you that way wasn't going to work. My way was guaranteed you didn't listen to me. It's like I've had to retrain myself and be like, Okay, that didn't work. And refrain from saying, I knew it wasn't going to. Yeah, I mean, there are so many things about homeschooling, it really just for me anyways has really mirrored the kind of deficit in negative personality traits that I've held on to over the years, it's allowed me to give opportunity, my children to give me criticism in a healthy, respectful way and go, You know what, you're right. I'm sorry, you are allowed to be you. And I don't know that I ever knew that. I just thought I was supposed to raise kids. And they were just supposed to turn out good. And it's like this whole it was like, you start and then you finish and the kind of the in-between was a mystery. And I love opportunities like this to talk about to kind of take some of that mystery away for parents and homeschool families and go okay, you know what, I understand that the curriculum says that this is how it's set up. But if you find that it works better in a different way. That's okay, too. 

Mendy 28:50 Yeah, absolutely. And you know what I have to say, that's one of my biggest takeaways as well, because I did that to like being a teacher, especially, you know, as a teacher before I had kids. And so I knew how to teach learning, I knew how to make sure they knew what they needed to know. But I, after my second child, like he taught me so many things, and I realized if I would just back off, he found his way more successfully than doing it my way, so to speak. And that was a huge learning lesson for me because I thought there's something in them that drives their success, regardless of who I am and how I might be forcing it down their throats, right? Like that was, you know, I feel like we make mistakes with all of our children like the firstborn, he'll like to jump up perfect, and that doesn't work. And it's stuck at the bar and like, I do this, but it's like these mistakes all along the way. And the grace is that they find their way regardless of like, how we're trying to make it happen for them. So that's been one of the biggest aha is for me as well, just as you talked about, so,

Janna 30:05 So speaking to homeschool families in saying that, okay, you, let's say, for the four personalities, you have to, you have to get a task done. So can you kind of just give us a quick example of just a good way to kind of facilitate that with each of the personalities because it's gonna look a little different? 

Mendy 30:27 Absolutely. So let's start with the lion, you've got to get a task done. Now, of course, the lion is the dominant one. So they're gonna want to come in take control, and get it done for the family, I actually have a family that I work with right now. And they have a lion who wants to be in charge, gets it all done, takes the mom's phone facilitates the whole thing. And the mom is the Lamb. So she's kind of like, whoa, what's happening here, you know, so the line, you got to realize if you're trying to, and this was, let's just take, facilitate getting everyone to the soccer field to play soccer on a certain day. The lion child is going to help you get that done. And if you're a mom, who's a lion with a lion, you guys are going to be going like this, right? So I'm realizing your child is trying to come into that vision, that leader responsibility, it's really hard as a mom, especially if you're a lion, and there's a lion. So, um, but trying to realize, you know, what, this child has leadership potential in him. So let me try to do this a little bit differently. Let me allow him to facilitate this. But as you said before, if I see any little quirks that aren't gonna go quite right, I'm gonna step in and help facilitate that to help him get it done. Right. So looking, allowing the leadership to come out, without trying to just smash the whole situation is a challenge. 

So let's talk about an elephant. So your elephant is your perfectionist. They're the detailed ones that have to have everything perfect. So we're talking about the shoes have to be tied the right perfect way, they have to be the right color. And the outfit might be perfect, but you're on a time schedule, trying to get out the door, right? So the perfectionist is really slowing you down because they can't get out the door. Not only that, but perfect. The elephant trade doesn't really have a time parameter. Like they don't think in terms of time, they think in terms of going to be perfect when I get there, right? So they don't even have that time parameter. So as a mom, as a family, you're trying to facilitate the whole thing. So one recommendation I say up front is like think about these things ahead of time, maybe have the whole outfit plans have the details planned. They like to know the details and have all the preset bags in place to go out the door. So preparation for that is like so important with an elephant just because of the details. They're not about the time and getting anywhere on time they are about the details that I'm going to look and be and whether am I going to be perfect when I get there. So it's a little bit different scenario. So approaching that differently is a very big thing. And preparation is a part of that. 

Now the horse I feel like the horse is the cheerleader. That's why I say I love horses in my family because they are easy going cheer us on. Let's get! This child is good for any elephant or lion. Just come on, let's go. We're trying to get it done. Like let's go. But your cheerleader child trying to help facilitate the family to get to the field. And to be happy while doing it. Everything, like I said is coming up roses. Don't worry about it. So this child is good and in combination with an elephant who's struggling with the details struggling with the perfection. But you if you got a horse coming in saying Don't worry about it, come on, we can do this. It's a great complementary action. And even you as a mom can kind of take that knowing those personality types to be calm and step into the cheerleader role instead of just focusing on those details. 

And of course, the last one is our lamb and this is the one that doesn't talk much. But they're just very congenial. They're just trying to make the world a better place. They're very empathetic like they might just be thinking about how I can help make Sally's life better. You know at a birthday party, they may not be concerned about anything else, except making it a great day for Sally like having, making sure that she has like they're so selfless and giving and that might actually become a weakness if you're thinking they give all the time, they're only concerned about others never concerned about themselves, you know, you may see that as a weakness and might try to switch that in them. But this individual is usually is a very strong silent type, and they're very strong and driven. So allowing them to understand that, hey, we're going to get to the field, and our focus is actually playing soccer. for that child, it may actually be making sure that John has a great day, or making sure the way that they drive the family is very strong, silent, and focused on caring for others. So it's an amazing combination. So as a mom, just realize and understand kind of the dynamics that are going on, because your husband may be a whole different thing altogether. So trying to meld all of those together can be quite a challenge. But just understanding and awareness, I think is half the battle. 

Janna 36:12 When you said that a mom might have to step in and become another personality, to help alleviate it, whether it's stress, or, or some of that I just that was like a light bulb for me because you might not have a lamb in your family that can kind of help soften a lion and, and you might be aligned and your all three children might be aligned. And as the adult, it's our responsibility, then to kind of take on a different role so that we can help them become all that they can be, then we could talk for hours about this very thing. I mean, this is an endless topic. And I'm so grateful that we had this time to be able to discuss some of it. Now as a hack, you actually have a link that parents can go to and take this assessment, either have their child take it or take it for their child. So where can our listeners find that? 

Mendy Yeah, actually, Dr. Mendy, last name so hard. Sorry about that. i n g i a i am a doctor Mendy and dymo.com. You can go there to my website and the assessment is there. You can take it, I would love for you to take it I've had the early 20s take it I've had teenagers take it and it's all about self-awareness. It's a 10-question assessment, and thinking about like, how do you operate it as a child, or if you're a mom taking it for your child, so your child's too young, then you're taking it from the child's perspective, just looking at your child and how the characteristics within them are working. So 10 Questions takes like maybe a minute and a half, but you come out with some really good awareness of their personality. 

Janna And before we go, why don't you tell our listeners about the book that you wrote as a companion to your personality? 

Mendy Yeah, absolutely. So I did write a book, a children's book. And in the book, four friends are working together. And it's each one of these personality profiles, there's the lion, the horse, the elephant, and the lamb. And each one, I feel like in life, all of us have strengths. And so each one brings their strength to the table when they're combating a problem in their community. So we look at the different strengths that the lion we look at the strengths of the horse and what they bring to the table and what makes them happy. And a good contributor to the to group we bring in the elephant in the lamb and how each of those personalities is a benefit in our community. And the strengths that they bring. Think that's so vital for each of us to know is how do I contribute? How do I add to this party? How do I make people around me find their strengths and work together as a team? So the book teaches that from a children's perspective to know you are a unique creation, here are the gifts that are inside of you. Here's how you bring them out for the good of the community.

Janna 39:21 And can our listeners find that book on that same website that you mentioned? Yes. And also it's on Amazon. And what's the title? Again, it's the lion, elephant, the horse and the lamb. Okay, so we'll have all of those, all that information in our show notes for our listeners to be able to find that very easily. Mendy, thank you so much for your expertise. Thank you for the work that you contribute to make homeschooling you know better for all who are involved. 

Mendy Thank you. I really appreciate a love this time together. 

Janna Thank you guys. Until next time, bye bye